Just a Girl - Gwen Steffani and Tom Dumont (No Doubt)

I know it has been quiet a while since I last made an entry in my diary. I have a confession to make. I’m not sure if I said it previously but I suffer from clinical depression.

I’m self diagnosed because for a long while I did not have health insurance coverage. This little dilema makes it very expensive to go to the Doctor’s office and pay for treatment out of pocket. I did not see the point in doing this because I already know what I have. Instead of taking something like Prozac I go to the store and buy St. Johns Wort instead. When I have an episode of depression I find it difficult to focus or get out of bed.

Suffering from Clinical Depression is one of the main reason for the gaps between my output of artwork and entries into this diary. The other reason for the gaps is because of working overtime at my day job. Recently, we have not been that busy at work. So that gives me plenty of time to come home and paint without feeling exhausted. I promise to write a, “What I Did Over the Summer” essay later today.

Spiderweb - Gwen Steffani and Tony Kenal (No Doubt)

Today David took me to Phillips restaurant at Harbor Place. I do admit that I was an hour late. He told me yesterday that he would probably be late as well. This was despite the fact that I started getting ready at 1:00 pm. I had to set my hair beforehand. As it is my usual ritual to set my hair on Sunday’s and my hair was looking rather ragged for me to forego this after we went out. He told me to meet him in front of the Hollywood Cafe. There was a big band playing there in the hot summer sun. I wanted to stay there and listen to them. I rather admire big band music.

I don’t feel that I like him anymore every time I see him he has dirt underneath his fingernails or odd magic marker markings on him. How do I go about telling him that I don’t like it without hurting his feelings. It’s as thought he doesn't bother to clean himself before we go out. Also there’s always a patch of dandruff on his head. I should just break up with him. I felt happier without him. I was much stronger, thinner, and happier without him. Since getting back together with him I’ve gained weight and I don’t feel independent or happy.

Sometimes I feel that his own friends don’t like him very much. He kept telling me over and over again how we were going to be having dinner this Sunday with his best friend Wally and his wife Anita. Of course like always he told me that they weren't able to make it and that Wally had decided to spend Sunday over Ernest’s house. Ernest is David’s cousin who recently got out of the Armed Forces in Texas and moved back to Maryland.

I also feel as though all of David’s friends are much more successful than he is. Wally is a Doctor and lives in Owings Mills. He has another friend who’s an Engineer and yet another who’s a teacher and lives in the suburbs. I feel as though David has never progressed. since high school He’s always held jobs where he works in a warehouse. He has always lived with his mother. Wants me after were married to drive him to and from work like his mother did. After we’re married he wants us to live where he’s lived all his life, at his mother’s house. I do not want to sleep in the same bedroom that he’s slept in for the past 45 years.

I think he’s a loser what am I doing with him? It’s like he’s happy with no change or progression in his life. He did try to go away to college for a semester albeit it was a community college he attended. He failed his first semester then went back home to his mommy were he has stayed ever since. Sometimes I feel as though he wants to keep me down. He keeps telling me I’m fat and should lose weight as though he’s Mr. Perfect physical fitness. Another thing he does to keep me down is that he keeps telling me I’m slow. I’m the one who graduated from college!! Heck, not just any old college but a Medical School and he’s a Community College drop out!

I know I should just drop him because he does nothing but wear down my self esteem. In a way I feel sorry for him. His mother recently died......