MY FATHER IS FADING AWAY
I got a phone call last night from my niece about my father. She said the nursing home had called them to tell them that my father has not been eating and at the rate he is going he might not survive long. They are giving him nutrition shakes. They said it looks as though he is giving up.

Of course this scared me. I went to Kohls to get my mind off the inevitable. They were having a sale. I wanted to get a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt Amanda jeans. These are the only pair of jeans that seem perfectly proportioned for me. Unfortunately when I got there they were plum out of that style of jeans in my size. The only type of pants they had left were capri pants. Capri pants do not fit me well as I am petite and it is a rare designer who bothers to think of making petite plus size capri pants.

I ended up buying petite plus size pants from Old Navy. I had never shopped there before for myself. The reason being is that at the time they did not make clothes in my size. Since Ive gone down a couple of dress sizes I can now shop at Old Navy. I dropped off my clothes at the house and proceeded with a heavy heart to see Dad. He was in pretty bad shape. It looked as though he was not long for this world. I called up Carlos he told me he had no money to get over there to see Dad. Carleen called to tell me she would try to get over there. David said he would take her to the supermarket then maybe she would see if he would take her to see Dad. David never showed up. I waited until about 7pm which was how long she wanted me to stay to wait for her.

A social worker at the nursing home took me aside to tell me that they wanted to have a plan of care meeting about my father on Monday. She gave me a choice of times 10 or 2pm. I felt woozy. I knew this was in fact going to be a should we stop his treatment and let him die in peace meeting. I had to get my mind off things so I went to Lane Bryant to buy more clothes.

MORNING COMMUTE:
Im late. I got little sleep last night and am feeling very nervous and worried. The light rail driver this morning sounded very hood. I could imagine him saying ,“Yo, we about to be heading into Hunt Valley.”

VISITING DAD
Last night I got home from the nursing home as predicted my father was rushed back to the hospital. He was having seizures.

Am I the only reason he is still alive? Does he stay alive just to see me? When I don’t show does he come to the conclusion that it is time for him to leave this mortal world. Thus he gets very sick when I do not show up. So sick that he has to be rushed to the hospital. Maybe Im just being overly superstitious or something.... Maybe there is no connection between my visiting him or not visiting him.

I did not go with him to the emergency room because it was late and Lisa (my niece who’s a nurse) assured me that they probably just took too much fluid off him during dialysis. Even the ambulance workers said the same thing. So this sounds to me like a common occurance, nothing to stress myself over. But still Im stressed and worried.

Lisa says they most likely will draw his blood to get a blood count to see what his electrolyte profile looks like. Then they will give him fluids. Other possible causes for his seizures could have been that he was given the wrong medicine or had an allergic reaction to new medicine. According to the medical staff he had had a seizure earlier in the day and later during my visit. He was also non responsive during dialysis. I was very worried. They kept asking him to open up his eyes. Eventually he came around after I came into the room. The nurse gave him sugar water to revive him further. As far as the seizure goes it was scary seeing him go through something like that. He looked like he was going through a lot of pain and was about to die. He also looked as though he was in danger of swallowing his tongue. Lisa assured me that they do not go through any pain when they have seizures. He does not normally have seizures. This was the very first time I can recall this happening. My sister Carleen says she will be over to visit him on Saturday. I hope that she actually comes over. I feel uncomfortable that it is always me or Uncle Leon that comes over to see him.

WHAT IM WEARING:
Today, Im back to my regular wardrobe. I have on khaki beige pants, a cocoa brown top that has beaded and lace trim around the v-neck line. The blouse is about two sizes too big but to my eyes it is not very obvious. The reason being is that it was cut to snug the body. So instead of fitting tight its loosely draping my body.